My Father!

My parents were never married. My Father was not in the picture when I was born. He was not in my life throughout my child hood. I never even spoke to him as a child. It never really bothered me, I never really felt like I was missing something, because I never had him in my life in the first place. You can't really miss what you never had. I won't go into the details, because they involve others. I will tell you that I blame both my parents. The main reason he wasn't a part of my life was because of their problems. They were young and could have made better choices, they should have made better choices. I have forgiven both of them. I don't hold it against them. Looking back, I know that it wasn't easy for my Mom to have to raise me on her own, and it wasn't easy for my Dad to not even know me, and not have any part in raising me. I can't lie though about the fact that I still to this day resent the fact that I am really the one who was hurt the most by this. I am the one who paid the highest price for their mistakes and choices. The children are always the one who do. They don't get any choices in the matter. They have to deal with the consequences of their parents actions. Every child, deserves to know both of their parents. I spent my whole childhood dealing with all the issues brought on by this. I have spent all of my adult years building a relationship with my Father. None of it was easy on me.

If you are reading this and you are in a situation similar, or if you know anyone who is, I plead with you to pay close attention and really try to understand and take into consideration what I have just said, and to the moral of my story. I also encourage you to share it with anyone who could benefit from it's lesson. That is the most important reason that I am blogging about this.

I know that every ones situation is different and there are some parents who should not be in their kids lives. For instance if the parent is an abuser of any kind etc. Still, I urge you to keep in mind that when a child doesn't know a parent, or about them, it is a heavy, heavy burden for them to carry.

I started talking to my Dad when I was 14. It didn't go well. I was very hostile to him. I was so angry at him for not being involved in my life. I felt like he didn't have a right to come into my life after 14 years of being completely absent. I didn't want to have anything to do with him. He kept calling me and enduring the verbal abuse that I dished out. Over and over I just kept bitching and crying to him about how he was never there. Never sent a card for my birthday. He was a Jehovah's witness, but to me that was just an excuse. He never sent a letter. He never called. He wasn't there when I lost my first tooth. He wasn't there to teach me how to ride a bike. I pretty much flat out refused to be nice to him in any way, from the time I was 14, until I was about 18.

He called, when I 18 and I will never forget the convo. I was giving him the same guilt trip I'd been giving him for 4 years. When I was done, he asked me one question, that changed everything. He asked; "How many times are you going to punish me for the same things?" I was speechless (which doesn't happen often) He then said; "I have apologized to you for all that you have been through over and over. I am truly sorry but I can't change the past. I can't take any of it back. All I can do is treat you better now. Be a part of your life now and in the future. Make up for all of it the best I can, but I can't unless you will let me" There was a long and awkward pause. In that moment, I had to admit that he was right. I came to the realization that I was treating him in a way that even I wouldn't want to be treated. He had a good point. I really thought hard about the fact that I had a serious choice to make here. I was either gonna keep this up and have a horrible relationship with him for the rest of my life, or I was gonna let it go and give our relationship a chance. I knew that I did want to get to know him and for him to get to know me. I was chastising him for not being apart of my life and yet here I was, refusing to let him in. I am not that kind of person and I was ashamed of acting like that. All I could say to him was that he was right and that I would give him the chance to be in my life.

From that day on things were very different. As soon as I started to learn who this man was, I started to realize that I was a lot like him. More so than I could have ever imagined. He may not have been in my life, but we were very much alike anyway. I guess it's in the genes lol I learned that we had a lot of common interests too, which gave us a lot to talk about and lead to some pretty great conversations that lasted for hours and still do to this day. Above all, I learned that I genuinely liked him. There was no denying any of it.

When I was 21, I met him for the first time. I already had a child of my own, he was 7 months old at the time. It was weird in a way to meet my own Father for the first time, after I had already become a parent. We have spent time together, in person on several occasions since, but I can still count on just both hands. Life and distance has prevented it. We keep in good contact though. We have been able to build a good solid relationship, despite all the issues. It didn't take long for me to go from hating him, to getting to know him, to liking him, to loving him. I'm grateful to have him in my life.

The moral of this story, is that If he hadn't made contact with me, I may have never had contact with him at all. If I hadn't let go of the past, if I hadn't given him a chance, we may have gone our whole lives without knowing each other. I spent 18 years without him in my life and 17 with him in it. I can tell you with all certainty that the 17 years with him, were a lot better than the 18 years without him, that would have become 35 years if the both of us had not decided to take a first step.