Sorry Ladies But I'm Tired Of Your Bullshit

 Let me warn you in advance, this blog post has foul language among other things. It is not a post for everyone and it is not to please any of you. Some of you will not like it at all. I could have taken more time and written it to please the masses. That however goes against everything I believe in. If I wrote it any other way, it would be taking my personality right out of it. That is just never going to happen. I'm not one bit sorry about it either. This is my blog and my point of view. If you don't like it, that is really fine with me. I have been kind enough to warn you in advance. I hope that all of you will at least read it, whether it's your thing or not.

Dear Women,

PART 1
This is what I keep hearing too many of you saying, way too often:

Your proud of being a bitch and/or a cunt
A large penis is a must if a guy wants to fuck you
You make fun of guys who have a small dick
You rip him apart in public or to other people, especially your friends and his friends
You cut him down for everything and anything
A fat wallet is also a must, because he must be able to buy you this and that and shoes and purses and DIAMONDS or jewels and take you on a vacation and provide you with all the finer things in life.
You want men to act like and have the emotions of a woman
You make excuses to NOT have sex.
You make excuses to NOT suck a dick
You use sex as a weapon and/or a threat
You think you are above serving a man. For instance, making him a sandwich as if that makes you some kind of a slave
You talk shit about your exes

PART 2
This is what you say you can't find:

A good quality man who treats you right
A man who is loyal to you
A man who makes you happy
A man who is happy with and because of you
LOVE, unconditional love

PART 3
Now let me state the obvious:

No man wants a bitch or a cunt for a partner. You will never here a guy utter the words: "Well if only she were a bitch or a cunt, I'd date her and/or be able to fall in love with her" or " could you be more of a bitch and a cunt, i'd really appreciate it"

Not all men have a big dick. Lets just be real, it's not the size that matters if he knows what he's doing. If he doesn't, try teaching him instead of expecting him to somehow read your fucking mind and then complaining about how he isn't good in  bed. Maybe he is good, maybe you just suck at asking for what you want and telling him what would make it better and then actually giving him the chance to try to please you. P.S maybe your pussy is just blown out and sorry, but that's just not his problem. Nor can the size of his dick be blamed for that.

Guys have feelings too ya know, they are humans and have feelings just like us females. Those feelings can be and are hurt by your words and actions. Maybe they don't express that as much because society tells us that doing so isn't manly. I am a female so I know what you ladies say about men to other females. Since I am a female, I also know that if your man talked about you like that to your friends, you would be heartbroken. In tears. Your friends would all be in disbelief that he would treat you like that and feel sooo sorry for you. You'd probably get rid of the guy too, for treating you like that. Yet somehow, it's ok and FUNNY to you to do it to men. This one really fucking pisses me off.

Not all guys make or have the same amount of money. Money is also something you can make and save. Meaning, he may not be rich but that doesn't mean he can't provide for you. You can also save up for the things you want. Including the "bullshit objects you MUST have" I am really disgusted with how materialistic you ladies have become. Seriously, you need to reevaluate what is really important an necessary in life.

Men are men, they are not women so become a lesbo or deal with what comes with the territory. If you want you man to understand your emotions, try explaining them in man terms. You can't expect him to understand things they way you would express them to your girl friends.  It like with kids, if you want them to understand something, you cannot tell them in adult terms, you have to break it down to what a kid understands. We are women, this should come very easy to you. It does for me. He may never feel the same way as you, but he can and will understand your feelings and that's what counts.

SEX! Oh lord. I don't expect everyone to love sex as much as i do, or to want to do it as much as i do. I'm not saying it's bad if you aren't really into it. I mean everyone is different. Let me explain this to you though. When you are in a relationship with someone, what that basically means, is that you promise to not have sex with anyone else lol If you are married, it's the same thing only now you have made that shit legal and binding lol
Serving your man does not make you a slave. Here is the definition of a slave:

slave/slāv/
Noun:   
A person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them.
Verb:   
Work excessively hard: "slaving away for all those years".

Making him a sandwich or getting him a drink doesn't make you a slave. You chose to be in a relationship. You aren't being forced against your will and you are not his property. So this doesn't make you a slave. It makes you a woman who is willing to do nice things for your man. A woman who will tend to your man in the way a man would like and appreciate. If he doesn't appreciate it, well, sorry but you picked that kind of guy to be with. You expect him to give you things and do things for you, so this just needs to stop. Sure, he is capable of making his own sandwich just like you are capable of buying your own fucking shoes.

When you put a man down, especially your exes, how attractive do you think that is to a man. If you are trash talking an ex, that probably means you are single. Do you really think any man wants to be next on that list? Do you really think you are going to find a good man by doing that? I mean really, when you hear a guy talking shit about a woman, especially an ex, what does that make YOU think of him? Take a moment and think about that...EXACTLY!!!!! that's what he is thinking about you. Not too smart ladies, you're fucking yourselves on this one. An ex, is an ex, because they are history so stop making them the present and get over it!

To sum this all up, a lot of you ladies are the cause of your own problems. You say you can't find the things in part 2 and by say, i mean complain and bitch about it. meanwhile not one of the things in part one, has anything to do with what's in part 2. You make no sense to me at all lol If you ask for the things in part 1, that's what you are going to get. Start asking for the things in part 2. Part 2 should be the things you look for first. Part 3 are all the reasons why. Lastly, if you don't see the problems here and you don't agree, there is something very wrong with you and I don't feel sorry for you that you are unhappy in life and can't find the things in part 2!

 If I had a dollar for every time a girl said to me: "He's so mean to me, I am so unhappy, why can't he just... I don't know what to do, BUT he does have a big dick *giggle*" I'd be a fucking millionaire!


Now ladies, I am one of you, I love you all but I had to do this. I can't take listening to your bullshit any more. Since I have to hear you cunts bitch and cry, you're going to have to hear me tell you how it's your own fault. If you don't like what i have to say, it's because you know i am right. Get over it and get over yourself. You ladies are making "women" look bad. It needs to end now. I cringe when I think that some of you are or will be raising Daughters. I hope they don't turn out like you. They deserve to be happy. Set a good example and smarten up!

One last thing. I am thankful to know a bunch of women who are not like what I have described above. This is not directed to all women. Man or woman, whether you like this or not, we ALL know what I am saying is true. Also, in no way am I saying that men aren't fucked up in their beliefs and ways too. I may post about that in the future. I wrote about women today, mostly because I am one of them and I am insulted and offended that I am grouped in and viewed as being like most women.

No Bake Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake!

I have been making this pie for years and years. Everyone loves it! It is a fan favorite lol It used to be me who always made it every year. Now I have several friends who make it on their own. Today my favorite Sister in law called me to go over the recipe, like she does every year since she started making it on her own ;) She reminded me that maybe I should post it to my blog, so I can share it with the rest of you. 

It is a pretty easy pie to make. I use the easy pumpkin (the one with the spices already in it) I just like the taste better and it's less ingredients and steps. You can make this pie for under $10. If you plan ahead and follow sales and use coupons, well you know, it'll be a lot cheaper. Sorry I am so late with this seeing as Thanksgiving is in 2 days. It's really a good pie for the whole season. Most people think this pie is a weird combo and I did too, until I tasted it. Sooo GOOD!!

 http://www.kraftrecipes.com/recipes/double-layer-pumpkin-pie-54636.aspx

Food Lion's MVP Big Deal Promotion Got Me $63 Worth Of Groceries For Only $24.40

Most of you won't be familiar with the grocery store Food Lion. Those of you who are, know that they are not the best store to get great deals on a regular basis. They do run some great sales here and there. This month they were running their big deal promotion. If you buy 10 participating items, you get $5 off your bill instantly at the register. Buy 20 items, get $10 off, buy 30 items, get $15 off. I did my best to buy only things we needed and as many things I could with matching coupons. I got everything in the pic below for $24.40. They are worth about a total of $63!

Here is the list of the items and quantities I bought:
1 box Frosted Flakes
1 box Special K
4 boxes Cheerios
12 Yoplait Greek yogurts
2 boxes Eggo Waffles
4 boxes Pillsbury Toaster Strudels
6 Single Rolls Brawny papaer towel

The retail price for these items are:
Frosted Flakes $3.29
Special K $3.29
Cheerios $3.89 (4 boxes) $15.56
Yoplait Greek 5/$5 (12) $12.00
Eggo Waffles $2.59 (2 boxes) $5.18
Toaster Strudel $2.59 (4 boxes) $10.36
Paper Towel $1.50 (6) $9.00

Total if I paid retail $59.38 + tax


The sale prices were:
Frosted Flakes $3.00
Special K $2.50
Cheerios $2.50 (4) $10.00
Yoplait Greek 5/$5 (12) $12.00
Eggo Waffles 2/$4 (2) $4
Toaster Strudel 2/$4 (4) $8.00
Paper Towel 10/$10 (6) $6.00

Total if I paid just sale prices $43.50 + tax

I had the following coupons:
$1 off 2 boxes of Kellogg's cereals (Frosted Flakes and Special K)
(2) $1 off 2 boxes of Cheerios
(6) 50 cent of 2 Yoplait Greek  (Food Lion doesn't double Q's either...booo)
(2) 50 cent off 2 boxes of Toaster Strudel

Total in coupons $7

So I can deduct the $7 in coupons and the $15 off instantly cause I bought 30 participating items. $22 off the $43.50 sale prices before tax
Total $21.50 + tax = $24.40

Now in the coupon world, that makes each item about 82 cents!!!!!

Some Great Steals And Deals From The Past Few Weeks

Dollar General has has summer toys on clearance for a few weeks now. I got a bunch of stuff that i didn't take pics of when the sale was 50% off. Then I got a few more things at 70% off. I picked up a few more at 90% off too. I love sales like this because I can pick up some random toys for Isabella. I often hide them and save them for a distraction. Some of them, especially the outdoor summer toys, come in very handy when we take the girls to the playground for afternoon playdates or when us Moms want to walk the track at the elementary school.

@ 70% off, I got everything in the pic below for $4+ I lost my receipt so I can't remember what the change was. Reatil would have been about $19.00

The chalk and garden sets were a great buy because they are things that can be used year round, inside and outside! Isabella loves to use small watering cans in the tub!


@ 90% off I got the 2 fishing pole sets and kite strings for $1.07 Retail would have been $10.60
She loves these fishing poles for the tub too! The kite string comes in handy for things around the house so for me, that's a great buy too.
Notice the bottom of the receipt, there is a survey and a $5 off a $25 purchase. I do these surveys almost everytime I get one and the $5 off coupons come in handy, especiall when matched with sales and coupons. Always check your receipts!!

All in all I got $20 worth of toys for less than $6!




Next up,Walgreens! Oh how I just love Walgreens. We were out of Ester-C, something that 3 of us in my house take daily. It's pretty expensive right off the shelf. I can usually always find a $1, $2 or $3 off coupon. Walgreens, CVS and Rite-Aid run regular sales on Ester-C @ B1G1, I always stock up as much as I can when it's on sale!
I had (2) $2off coupons (remember you can use 2 coupons on the B1G1 sale because each rings up separate. When I got to the store, the larger bottles of 1,000 mg had a coupon on the box for $3 off...NICE!!!
They sell 2 different kinds, a 90 count bottle of 1,000 mg @ $14.99 and a 104 count bottle of 500 mg for $10.99
So right off the bat, I could get 2 bottles of 1,000 mg for $14.99 making them $7.49 each. Match it with my $3off coupons and they become $4.49 each, that's already a savings of $10.48 per bottle! That's all well and good but it get's better. Walgreen's also had maxi pads and razors on sale, both of which are needed in this house. The pads were Walgreen's brand ultra thin maxi pads 18 count for $2 with $2 RR (register rewards) back. The razors were shcick hydro 3 or 5 started kit or 4 pack of hyro 3 or 5 cartridges. Both on sale for $8.49 with $4.50 RR back. I had coupons for the razor and cartridges, $2 off razor and $2 off cartridges.


DAY #1 I did 2 seperate transaction at the same time. I bought the maxi's and razor cartridges, it came to $9.20 and I got $6.50 RR back. a $2 RR and a $4.50 RR
Next I bought the Ester-C and coke. I had to purchase 2 more items with the Ester-C beacuse I was planning on using 4 coupons and Walgreens coupon policy is 1 coupon per item, so with 4 coupons, I needed 4 items. The RR's count as coupons. The coke was on sale 2 for $3. I could have bought a 10 cent filler item but we needed the coke, well, my husband needed it lol. So The total before sales and coupons would have been $33 and change. Take off $14.99 for the B1G1 Eater-C, $6.00 thanks to the (2) $3 off Ester-C coupons and the $6.50 in RR's which is a toatl of $27.50 off the $33 total. So I ended up paying $6.70!

So on day #1 I spent $15.90 out of pocket for $50 worth of stuff. Stuff that was NEEDED!


DAY #2
I bought a razor and the maxi pads again. $9.20 out of pocket, $6.50 RR back
They only had the $10.99 bottles of ester-c 500 mg so I had to get those. I had (2) $2 off coupons
I also bought Orbitz gum on sale (2) 3 packs for $5 and I had a $1off/(2) 3 pks. coupon.
I also bought a half gal of milk $2.49 and 2 halloween plastic cups for Isabella 13 cents each
I needed the milk and gum but I could have just bought the cups to give me 2 more items so I could use my 4 coupons again. The Total before sales and coupons would be $32. I only paid $8.94! That's a savings of $27!! I got a rain check for the big bottle of ester-c so I can get more when they have it back in stock...always get your rain checks!

So on day #2 I spent $18.16 for $43 worth of stuff!




DAY #3
I bought another pkg of maxi pads. $2 with $2 RR back and colgate sensitive toothpaste $4.99 with $3 RR back. I had a $1 off coupon for toothpaste. I paid $6.46 and got $5 RR back.
I didn't pay cash though. I got a walgreens gift card in the mail for $22 from a rebate I did a while back!

Day #4
I bought Theramax cold and flu nasal spray. $7.99 with $8 RR back, which makes it free! I also bought  a trial size of scotch reusable sticky tabs to hang stuff like posters for 10 cents and a pkg of balloons 100pk for 40 cents, both on clearance. I could have just bout the 10 cent tape just so I had 2 items so I could use 2 coupons but i wanted the balloons too! I used my $2 and my $3 RR. The total came to $3.98 (I used gift card) and I got $8 RR back. That's a $4 profit! Now if they get the ester-c back in stock soon, I will use the (2) $3 off coupons and my $8 RR which will be $14 off . If I buy 2 bottles and 2 cheap filler items, I can get it all, $30+ worth of stuff for less than $2. Did I meantion that I love Walgreens!

In less than 2 weeks, I bought about $141 worth of stuff for $50!!! Nice!


My next post will be how I got over $50 worth of groceries for $24.40.....stay tuned. I love this deal!

I Am The Parent Of A Special Needs Child

I am starting this post with a note I wrote and posted on facebook at the beginning of this year. I know some of you have already read it. I also know that I will repeat some of this info in the last part of my post. It was just easier for me to do it that way!

Facebook note:
When Isabella was about 1 I started to notice that she just wasn't developing like she should. It wasn't long before I knew it was more than a kid who was just slower getting to those targets and milestones. She didn't walk when she should have, even crawled weird. She would rather pull herself with her arms than get up on her knees. Then she wasn't saying mama or Dada or baba and she had odd behaviors. It would take me a novels worth of words to lay all the details out so I am just leaving most of them out here. I was always forth coming with the Dr. and he was like "it's ok for now but let's keep an eye on it" He was most worried about her speech. Time went on with little improvement so he set up a speech evaluation.....then we lost out medical benefits and couldn't afford it on our own (still can't so we have to self pay in full out of pocket every time) so the Dr. said "well, we can put it off a bit" so we did. Her speech improved and she seemed to be progressing but still slow. As she grew, new problems arose. You have all seen my pics and read my stories of some of this stuff....well you can multiply that by at least 100 and that is how it really is. The climbing, getting into things she shouldn't and everything in between. We would take her to a playground (or anywhere) and she didn't care about the toys, she just wanted to run away from us hysterically laughing and I don't mean run around...I mean RUNNNNNNNNNNN out into the street or out of a gate or into the woods, she didn't care. Going to the grocery store with her could induce suicide and I am not kidding. I would love to see anyone try to get her into a cart without breaking her leg. I kind of force her into the back where the groceries go cause she won't sit in the part where kids should go and then practically lay on top of her to keep her in as I start sprinting through the store begging her to be quiet and bribing her to please sit still. If she can reach something she will throw it on the floor so I have to make sure she is far enough from everything. I can't use the basket either cause she will throw shit out of it so I use the bottom and hand basket if I have to. She will throw her shoes too so I usually have to take them off. She tries to climb out every chance she can.Sometimes she thinks this is funny so it's like a game and laughing and the other times it's like a tantrum and there is no laughter and it's not a game for sure. If it's a good day and she wants to shop she will sing as loud as possible and do the "echo...echo..." cause she loves to hear herself. She thinks it's all funny too. Either way, no one in the store thinks it's funny. People have been so rude to me I almost cannot believe it told me I should leave, they guess I can't make her be quiet, she should be sitting (not standing) in the cart etc. etc. I have been asked to leave the library and no joke I only went in, walked up to the desk, got my book that was on hold and was checking it out and the lady said "do you want to come back? No bitch, I don't, cause she's gonna be like this every time and we are 4 fucking seconds away from walking out the door any way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't say that mind you I just said no and that was it. One of the most horrific things for me that she does is scream "Help, stop, don't, I'm hurt, I'm sick, I'm stuck, no, please, don't, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" all of it, at once over and over. She does this everywhere in public, like the library and grocery store but TWICE in front of the police. Once I had to pay a speeding ticket at the court house and right around the corner from the metal detector where all the cops are. I told her we had to wait and stay here and I was holding her on the little counter in front of the clerks window and she screams all that while we are in an intense struggle for her to get away from me and I turn my head and the cops are looking around the corner. The second time, we were at the police station pressing charges on that kid Anthony had a fight with and she starts doing it again! You can imagine I am sure, the horror that would be right? She doesn't stay in her car seat. Everything in my house is on secure lock down. I have had to remove so many things from and put them in locked rooms cause she will destroy them. I have more gates than anyone I have ever know, they have been zip tied and arranged so many diff ways lol as pics have shown, we even made a cage once for around the wood stove but she just learned to climb over and into it. She is like Houdini. Then there was the time she learned how to open doors. I planned to get locks or door knob covers on my next trip to the store but within a few days she got out of the house. Joe was in the shower, I was getting her bath ready and Tyson had left muddy paw prints in the tub. I had to use cleaner so I had to shut the door or she would get into whatever in the bathroom or the cleaner. I cleaned the bottom of the tub only, it was 3 min tops and when I came out she was gone. I noticed the door to our garage was open, I ran out and the door to outside was open. I ran out into the driveway screaming her name, I hear nothing (and she didn't answer to her name when you called her anyway, not with words) I see nothing. We live in the woods in all directions, I was spinning around in the worst panic I have even felt and I am thinking...which way do I go???? I ran back to the house screaming for Anthony, we both go out running and calling her. I see a car coming down the street and I want to stop her and ask if she's seen her but as she approaches, I see Isabella on her lap. I couldn't speak, I was gasping for breath, she handed her to me out the window and then got out and hugged me saying, it's ok, she's ok are you ok? I could only nod and she told me that she had run 3/4 of the way down our street...towards the main road. My neighbor (Carl) snatched her up as the other (Crystal) was driving towards Isabella. So she drove her home to me. Isabella was barefoot, it was dusk, cold and rainy and she didn't have a mark on her. I put her in the tub just as Joe got out of the shower I told him quick what happened and walked away. I went into our bathroom and puked and cried and just broke down in sobs like I never have. I have been scared many times in my life but never have I felt pure terror like I did that day. She has broke our TV, our toilet A light bulb, glass and everything in between.

So when I started taking her to the family place, they had people come in and talk all the time about services in the community. One place was called the hand in hand program and they screen and evaluate for learning disabilities. I was reluctant for a short bit before I decided to do it. Turns out she is developmentally delayed. That's their official diagnosis. She does have characteristics of autism but very few. Also a few characteristics of ADHD. Their services are free and they give 14 kids in our county grants to go to a preschool for "special needs" kids. Isabella got one of those grants and had been going half and 3/4 days since August. She has made significant progress already. They feel like she she will be on target by the time she is ready for kindergarten. If she is not or does not progress at any time, she will be evaluated again. She has an I.E.P ( individualized education plan) so they do things dif for her than the other kids. One of the things being picture cards. Isabella doesn't like to comply and/or it takes her a few mins to adjust to what is going on or a transition. It's kinda like snooze on your alarm clock. LOL So they have pictures like a calm face and the group circle and when she sees them, she says "calm down, it's time for group" and in her mind it's like she is deciding, she is not being told. It works well and we use it at home to.

So all and all things are improving but 1 bad day can just break me. Raising her in general has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It's exhausting, it's soooooo frustrating and stressful. When she started school, it was the first time in 3 years that I had spent one moment....yes one single moment in my house without her with me. Trying to get anything done until then was just not even possible most times. Now with her in school it's almost impossible to get her to get ready, get dressed, get in the car, take a bath, eat, or whatever on time and it's just very overwhelming. It's like she's a full time job from 6-7 and I still have a full time job of home maker to do from 7-6 and then there is the rest of life on top of all this.For me the hardest part is that I do lose my patience and yell and snap out and it's not pretty sometimes. Sometimes I am just like "how am I going to get through this day, how much more can I take" I feel horrible because I know it's like "not her fault" I don't have a bad kid, she just can't do some of the things she needs to be doing. I know everyone will say that I am only human and all and yeah, I feel that way too but what kind of person would I be if I didn't feel guilty about it ya know? I AM doing my best, there is no doubt in my mind about that. There are a lot of power struggles and "negative" times and I hate that. I want to have fun with her, she's my Daughter. I can't do the same things that other people can with their kids. I can't even enjoy her sometimes. It's rough.

So there you have it (most of it anyway LOL)


Current post:
In June 2011, Isabella finished her first full year of school. She had met all goals set for her. Her behavior had improved dramatically. Over the summer, she made even more improvements. We had her potty trained, with only pull-ups at night. I was able to take her places, playdates, playgrounds, public places and most importantly, shopping. She actually really likes going to the store. There were very little outbursts in public and even less at home. She was no longer this huge disruption to our lives, hers included. I was getting everything in order and back on track. Life became manageable and that was really more than I could ask for. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She was however a bit bored at home and didn't really seem to understand why she couldn't go to school. When the new school year began in August, she seemed so happy to be going back. A few weeks into the beginning of school, all hell broke loose.

Her school is a preschool for special needs kids. So 5 years old is the max age. Last year the majority of kids in her class were at the tail end of their "treatment" so they were very well behaved with little to no issues remaining. Isabella was just starting her treatment and although she had some issues, she pretty much fell into place. The other kids seemed to be good behavior role models. There were only a couple of kids still having a hard time or outbursts and poor behavior. One of the kids was also new and just starting, like Isabella so they were on the same level. This year, most of the kids are younger and/or just starting out in the school. Isabella and another boy are the only kids that were also at the school last year. One of the teachers is new. There are quite a few kids who are really having a hard time. It's still all new to them and they are having trouble adjusting. There are a lot of outbursts and "bad" behaviors. The first 2 weeks of school had passed with no problems. Isabella seemed to be falling right back into place. Then all of the sudden she starting acting in up school. She then started acting up at home. Some of her behaviors were old ones and some were very new. Things she had never done before, things that had never been an issue. I stayed on top of it and talked at length with her teachers about it. We all seem to agree that we think she is regressing due to all the changes in her class. We also think that she is feeding off of the behaviors of the other kids. Behaviors that she really wasn't subjected to as much last year. We are in agreement that this is most likely a phase. We hope that it's just a phase and that she will adjust in time and fall back into place and be back on track. It's been over a month since this all began and it doesn't really seem to be getting any better. Nap time has been very difficult for her. Some days she lays right down and falls asleep with a little help. Some days she doesn't want to nap but she will stay on her cot and read or do a quiet activity. Nap time is from 1-3. Even last year she wouldn't nap the whole time so I had to pick her up everyday at 2, because once she woke up, she had a hard time staying quiet and it was disruptive to the other children who were trying to sleep. Recently she has been refusing to lay down and will not stay on her cot or be quiet for that matter. She starts screaming and carrying on and is extremely disruptive during that time. Last week they informed me that if her behavior didn't improve, that I may have to start picking her up at 12:30, after lunch and before nap time. Friday I was on my way into town to do the weekly grocery shopping and they called me and asked me to pick her up. She was out of control, throwing a tantrum. She is no longer able to stay for nap time at least for a while. They hope they can work on the other kids and get them adjusted and then bring Isabella back in slowly as time goes on.

This news was a little heart breaking for me, as it directly impacts my daily life in several negative ways. I know I am repeating myself a bit here with these details so bare with me. We live about 20+ miles from "town" where all the stores are for grocery shopping etc. Her school is also in town so I have to drive there and back twice a day. This year they decided to change the schools start time from 8:15 to 8:30. 8:15 was already an inconvenience for me, 8:30 is a huge inconvenience. I have to drop my son off at 7:45, his school is about half the distance from home to Isabella's school. So I leave at about 7:30-ish. I drop him off and then I have 30-45 min till I can drop her off. I was running a quick errand every morn to kill time which worked out, until she started acting up again. Now taking her to the store is not pleasant in any way. Also I don't always have an errand to run so I take the long way or drive a bit further and go back to her school JUST to kill time. Since we are so far from her school, my weekly gas bill is already about $80+ which isn't easy for us to pull off on our income. She also was getting picked up at 2 and my son doesn't get out until 3 so again I would have to leave at 1:30 to pick her up and then do something to kill that hour gap till I had to get Anthony. I can't afford to drive back home either in the morn or the afternoon. I have a friend with a Daughter Isabella's age who met up with me several days a week at a local playground for playdates to kill that hour. I was losing 4 hours of my day just dropping off and picking up my kids at school. Every week I planned my shopping around school hours since I have to drive all the way to town to shop. I can't afford to make one more trip into town just for shopping. I had to make sure I did it when I was already in town. Now that I have to pick her up at 12:30, my days will go like this: Leave at 7:45, drop off both kids, get home by 9am. Then I walk with friends every morn for 1.5-2 hours so I am done by 11 at the latest. I will then have 1 hour till I have to leave to pick her up. Then I have to drive all the way back home, we will be home by 1pm. Then I have 2 hours till I have to go back out to pick Anthony up. This leads to an extra trip back home, it's like an extra 14+ miles a day. That's gonna cost me money for gas that we just don't even have right now. I have no idea how I am going to pull this all off.

Life with a special needs child isn't easy. Being a parent and mostly sole caregiver to one is so difficult. With Isabella, I never know when she will act up. from one minute to the next, I have no idea what to expect. The simplest task can become a nightmare in an instant. Even though she loves school, for a while she would cry and carry on when I would drop her off. This is something she never did before, not even once. She would beg me to bring her home. I had to walk away and leave her crying and fighting the teachers. It killed me inside but I wouldn't show that to her. She will pick up on your weakness and take full advantage of it. Every day I told her, I was giving her one kiss and saying goodbye one time and then I had to leave, whether she was crying or not. This went on for a couple of weeks but she seems to be back to her normal self with the morning routine. I drop her off with ease the last 2 weeks or so and she just says bye and kisses me without a care in the world, just like she always had. I hope it stays that way. When I pick her up, she would be so excited to go to the playground. She would go on and on about how she was gonna see her friend Kyra and play on the slide etc. We would get there and she would have a blast. Then 2 weeks or so ago, she started throwing a fit when I would pick her up, she didn't want to leave school. A few days it took me 10-20 min just to get her in the car and get her in her carseat. She would be screaming "No mommy, no playground. I don't like it, take me back to school" Then she would calm down and we'd be off to the playground like nothing ever happened. Other days she would be fine about leaving and she's be excited to go to the playground, until we got there. We would pull in the parking lot and she would just flip out. She would scream about how she didn't want to go, she wanted to go back home etc. I can't afford to take her back home. We have no choice but to go to the playground. Eventually she would settle down and then she'd play and have fun, again, as if nothing ever happened. The other day after she settled down, she was still acting up by taking her friends toys and running away laughing. She climbed the fence trying to get out of the playground several times. Sometimes when we pull into our driveway she doesn't want to be home, she wants to go back to school, or back to the playground. She refuses to get out of the car. I have to leave her in there for a few min till she settles down, then she comes in the house as happy as can be, again like nothing ever happened. Transitions have always been an area she has been delayed in and had difficulties with but never have they been this bad. She has taken it to new levels of impossible. In the moment, I try my hardest to stay calm with her. If I feed into it one bit or lose my cool, it will turn a 15 min battle into a half hour of misery for both of us. It's not easy and I am not always able to keep my cool as well as I'd like to.

Potty training has been another area where she has regressed. It's one of the only areas where I have given in. I know how to pick my battles and this is one I can afford to give up on. Sometimes she wears underwear and sometimes she won't. If she wants to wear a pull-up, I let her. There are too many other things that I refuse to give in on. One of those is getting her to stay in her carseat. Sometimes she stays in without one problem. Other times, I have to pull over 5 times to put her back in her seat. It can turn a 15 min drive into a half hour trip. Not to mention it's very frustrating while I am trying to drive. She has started name calling and talking back. This is also something she has never done. Yesterday as she was getting out of her carseat, I told her if she did, I was pulling over, she screamed at me to "hush mommy" and told me "I going to kill you" I was horrified. She has never been hateful or spoke to me like that and I have no idea where she even learned "kill you" from. She has been feeding the dog things like paper, tissues, toilet paper, candy, her dinner, any and all of her food and snacks, a whole bag of popcorn the other day. She doesn't try to hide it either, she comes and tells me if she hadn't done it right in front of my face. Then she praises him and tells me what a good job she did. In the tub, she has been splashing and throwing water, refusing to stand up and get washed. She been throwing things when she gets mad. Yesterday when I picked her up at school, she had refused to even sit at the table for lunch so she didn't even eat. She has also gone back to acting up in public and throwing a fit in any store I bring her into. On Friday when I had to pick her up early, I was on my way to do the weekly grocery shopping. Since I can't afford to add another trip into town to shop and it was the end of the school week, I had no choice but to bring her with me. I had a 50/50 chance of things going well. I had to go to 3 different stores. The first was walmart. I only had to get 5 things. She flipped out as soon as we walked in. She screamed and cried about how she didn't want to go. She tore down a display of pet hair mitts to brush your pet that was hanging from the shelf. I had to pick up and rehang about 20 mitts. She was so loud that a friend of mine was in the store too and she heard her and knew it was her so she came to say hello, she located us just by following the screaming. I made it through that store and was on to the next. Her behavior was worse in the second store. I honestly thought I was going to just have to leave. People were starring and giving me dirty looks AS USUAL! At one point we strolled by sponge bob cheese nips and she begged me for them. I thought it might help so I got them and put them under the cart where I have to put everything, cause she throws anything she can get her hands on out of the cart. She asked me if she could have the box and she had calmed down a bit so I gave them to her, she threw them out and laughed about it. she was trying to pull things off the shelf. I have to keep the cart in the middle of the isle and make sure we are not near a display. She saw some kids (walking nicely holding hands with their parents and behaving) she was talking to them and saying hello but as soon as they went one way and we went another, she started screaming "No mommy, go that way, go back to those kids" I tried my usual trick of telling her she could play that game/machine where you grab a stuffed animal and try to get it into the drop box, she loves that game and this usually works well for me. It did not work at all this time and so we left both stores with her screaming even worse when she realized I was not going to let her play it and I didn't. She was better behaved in the third store. Not good but it wasn't as bad. I can't take her to many places, like birthday parties, restaurants (she also has food allergies and we never eat out anyway) the library, or any other place that is kid friendly. She doesn't do well yet in these situations.

Going through the struggles I do with her has made me realize just how ignorant, judgemental, disgraceful and sad people in this world are. I have never in my life been looked at the way people look at me in public when she is having an outburst. 90% of these adult humans just assume that I am a bad parent of a misbehaved child. I know this because they tell me with the ugly faces of disgust I get. For the most part I pay them no mind but it hurts my feeling all the same. They make me feel more embarrassed then she does. Some of them even comment and are extremely rude about it too. It takes everything I have left in me to not slap them right in the face. They have no idea why my kid is behaving like this, there is no way for them to know. I can remember as a young kid seeing parents in stores with out of control kids and even then I would give them a kind smile. Even then I felt bad for them and couldn't imagine what it was like. I would see other people giving them the looks that I now get and even then I knew it wasn't nice. I knew all of this because I am a compassionate, non judgemental KID who never assumed anything of anyone. Some people do give me a kind look or say something kind to me. I have even had people come up to me that saw someone give me a look or say something to me and tell me how wrong that person was. It's those people that I take the time to say, my Daughter has special needs and it's hard for her to be in public. After this last incident, I have decided to do something radical, something that I have thought about doing many times. If her behavior in public doesn't improve soon. I am going to make a sign that I will either wear or hang on my shopping cart. That sign will read something to the effect of: "My 4 year old Daughter may scream and throw a tantrum while we are in this store. If I don't take her in public she will never learn how to act right in public. Many of you will stare and give me dirty looks, or say something rude to us. Her behavior is due to developmental delays and being a child with special needs. What's your excuse for your behavior??"

I'd like to add that children who are autistic, developmentally delayed, have sensory disorders, behavioral problems, ADD, ADHD and so many others. These kids look "normal" from all appearances, they don't seem to have anything wrong with them. I think society is hardest on them. They judge a book by it's cover. They see a kid who looks like any other and just assume that they are bad. If a kid who had down syndrome was in the store, they would take one look and know that child had down syndrome. With kids like Isabella, this isn't so. I learned not to judge a book by it's cover when I was a child. Anyone who still doesn't as an adult or in this day and age is just plain ignorant and me and Isabella or any parent or child like us shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of your ignorance and your actions because of it.

This brings me to the people who aren't just some asshole strangers. The people who know us, even family and friends. I have been told I should smack her, punish her, give her time outs. I have been told I am not doing anything about her behaviors (I'll get to why next) I have been asked why is she like that? I have been told I am too easy on her that I give in too much. People have said how they wouldn't "put up" with that type of behavior from their kids or any kid. I can't tell you how angry this makes me. I mean she has issues, delays, problems, struggles, etc and whatever you want to call them. I wonder and often ask these people: "If she were blind and couldn't tell you what color something was, would you punish her for that? If she were deaf and couldn't hear what you said to her, would you smack her for it? Give her a time out perhaps? Would you "put up" with that behavior. I am doing the very best I can. No one gave me a rule book or directions to raising a child with special needs. I go mostly by what the experts tell me. I get, ask, search for and take any advice I can from the people who have been educated in dealing with children like Isabella. People who deal with children like her everyday. Her teachers and therapists etc. I also use my own judgement as her parent, the one who deals with her all day every day.

Before we got her evaluated and into this school, I was pretty much at a loss as to what to do, how to handle her, how to manage her behaviors. I was doing all the things I had done with my Son and all the other kids I'd cared for over the years. My view on discipline is different than most peoples in the first place. That will be another blog topic of it's own. I am not big on spanking and I have and will spank my child if I feel they need it. Usually there's not really a reason that a spanking is needed, it's usually dome because I lose my cool. I don't think it's the end of the world to spank your kid. I just don't think it's effective. It's less effective with Isabella. She thinks it's funny and often asks to be smacked or if you ask her if she needs a smack she says "yes" I learned way before I was introduced to this program that Isabella lives for reactions of any kind, good or bad. If she does something that makes you laugh, she loves it and tries her hardest to make you laugh again. If she does something that makes you angry, she loves that even more and will do "bad" things to get you to the point of anger. Even when I yell at the dog, she thinks it's the funniest things she has ever seen. She will often be bad for no other reason besides getting a reaction out of me. She loves any kind of emotion even, again, good or bad. Even though I already knew this, I didn't know how much my disciplining her was actually feeding into her behavior and often causing her to act worse. I thought that I HAD to do something discipline wise to gain control of her actions and behaviors. WRONG! Distracting her from the behaviors. Ignoring the behaviors. Showing little or no emotion and having little or no reaction. These are all what is considered a punishment in her mind. Her pay off is the reaction. If she climbs the counter and I come around the corner and see her and gasp out of fear, just that gasp is like a reward for her. So that day she may climb the counter 20 times to try to get me to react in the same way. She even tells me to gasp when she can't get me to do it. If I just see her on the counter, show no emotion and just pick her up and put her on the floor. Then with little emotion say "It's very dangerous to climb on the counter If you climb up there again, I will take such and such away" or something to that effect. I have to use whatever she sees as valuable at that moment. She may still climb the counter that day in hopes of a gasp but it may only be 5 times instead of 20. Once she realizes what she's doing is working, the behavior stops. When we were at the playground and she climbed the fence, of course that was really dangerous and I had to run from one side of the playground to the other where she was. I had no choice but to run or she would have been over that fence before I got there. Just me running had her in hysterics and she kept telling me to run and laughing. She takes things she knows she is not supposed to have and she takes off running and laughing just to get you to chase her. This is all difficult because there are those times where I can't help but react, either because I have to or because I can't control myself or forget. Once she gets the reaction once, it's hard for her to forget it and let it go. Time outs don't work because she gets up on purpose so you will go get her and out her back. Lots of times she will have her eyes right on you the whole time she is about to and while doing something she shouldn't. She's even got a smile on her face, just waiting for you to react to it. So what they have taught me is that it's ok to ignore her, it's what needs to be done in her case. Unless of course in those times when it can't be ignored for safety reasons for instance. I have to stay calm and not show any emotion, she doesn't like it one bit.

Just getting through an average day is rough and has become even worse in the last month. It's near impossible to get chores done, cook a meal, get to where we need to go and get there on time. I can't take her many places. her behaviors take up a great deal of time, time that really needs to be spent on something else. I end up with not many choices. I have to deal with her before I can get to other things. If she starts acting up, I have to stop what I am doing to deal with her. I have burnt a few dinners and forgot many many things that I really needed to remember. I have had to let a lot of things go, such as cleaning my house and doing other chores, simply because there isn't enough time in a day. Things pile up on me quickly and it's very stressful. It makes me feel as if I have no control over my own home. In actuality I have complete control over it. I could chose to stay up late and mop the floors. I could choose to burn myself out just to get it all done. I don't though. Instead I choose to deal with what is most important. I choose to do what must be done and let the rest go. I chose to go for a walk every morning even though I know my house is a mess. I choose to take care of myself and make sure I have what I need in life. I choose to do that because I know how important it is for me to be in tip top shape for I am the one who has to deal with most of the stress this life has dished out on me. I refuse to forget about me, I refuse to let this all get the best of me and beat me down. I know how easy it would be for that to happen. Even when I am taking care of myself, I still feel like any moment could be the last moment of my sanity.

When I posted my first note about Isabella and her issues on facebook, I got a mixed bag of comments. Some peopled applauded me for putting it out there, for sharing. Some people thanked me for making them feel like they are not the only ones with a chaotic life. I was also thanked for admitting that I lose my cool and I am not always perfect. I was praised for being so dedicated and so involved with Isabella. I was also chastised for putting it out there, for airing my dirty laundry. I was even asked why I would write that and post it publicly...by a family member. I posted a copy and paste facebook status about autism awareness day, which in it's quote added children with special needs and sensory disorders. I was asked why I posted that if Isabella is not autistic. Some people obviously read that whole paragraph and only really saw the word autistic. That person was also a family member. That showed me their ignorance but worse it showed me shame. None of those things would have been said to me if there wasn't some shame on their parts to have a child with special needs in their family. Since I don't have time nor would I take the time if I had it to deal with the ignorance of some people, those people have been cut out of our lives. Family or not, I really couldn't care less. I care about how people treat me and my children and I don't care who you are, if you treat me badly enough times, you can consider your self dead to me. I can't have negative influences in my life or the lives of my husband and children.

I have also realized through the response of others, that my ability to be so open about this and any other parts of my life seem to be rare. That is just so sad to me. People are actually reluctant for many reasons to stand up and say HI. my name is Melissa, I am the parent of a special needs child and it's not easy and my life is a mess because of it. Really??? Like it's socially unacceptable to have a child that is not "normal" Like it's a family secret that should stay a secret and not be talked about. I would write this and tell the world on any given day about the good and the bad, because it's the kind of person I am, open and not ashamed or fearful. However now I feel like it's my duty of sorts to say it. I feel like more of us should come forward and tell our stories, blurt out the horror of it all. I promise you, that you will be relieved. I promise you that it will open the door for a neighbor or old friend or stranger to say hey, me too!. If more of us came forward and talked about these issues, it would educate the ignorant and maybe people would think twice before they talk shit about me in the grocery store.

I realize this post is extremely long. It needed to be in order for me to get most of it out. I know I am leaving things out but I wanted to get the basics down so I can update you all with shorter posts without having to give the background of it all over and over. I also realize how all over the place this post is. I am going to edit it and spell check it to some degree but I am not going out of my way to make it perfect. It's 4pm and I started this blog at 9am. I had to stop twice to get both kids and half the time I was writing jumbled and all over the place, well, it's a perfect representation of my reality.

I would like to end on 2 happy notes:

The first is Isabella herself. This whole post has been about her negative side but that is not her only side. She is absolutely beautiful. She is extremely intelligent and above average as far as academics are concerned. She is very compassionate and picks up on peoples feelings really well. She is extremely giving and thoughtful. She is hilarious and a goof and very silly and she can brighten a room with happiness just as well as she can bring it down with disorder. She's not really afraid of anything, she's a risk taker and seems to love danger and thrills. She is very loving and loves to cuddle and hug and be rubbed or tickled. She loves affection, LOVES IT and she is very affectionate. She is musically gifted and impresses me with her musical talents. She is unbelievably coordinated. She can play video games and games on the computer and navigate on the computer like no kid I have ever seen that is her age. She is really a joy to be around a lot of the time. She is so strong in these traits that most people who meet her just adore her, instantly.

last but certainly not least, I would like to say that I am blessed with many family members, close friends, online friends and strangers who have been understanding of my situation. They have praised me a job well done in raising her. They are there for me when I need to vent, cry scream or laugh at the chaos that is my life. They have given me the support that is very much needed to survive this kind of life. Most importantly they love Isabella with all of their heart and unconditionally. I am both grateful and thankful to have people like that in my life. I couldn't do it as well as I do without all of their support. You all know who you are.

My Siblings

If you haven't read the post about my Father yet, you should do so before reading this one.
http://mytwocents-meliss.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-father.html

So now that I have told you about my Father, I can tell you about the siblings he gave me. My Father got married and had 2 children with his wife. They gave me a Sister, Rebecca (although she goes by many other names, because she hates that one lol) She is 3 years younger than me. Then they gave me a Brother, Lenny, who is 5 years younger than me. At some point in my childhood I learned of their existence. I didn't have any contact with them though until I was 12 and I met them for the first time.

One of the things I didn't mention in that post about my Father, was that I did have some contact with his family as a child. His parents and his Brothers and Sisters and their children. Rebecca and Lenny spent a lot of summers at our Grandparents house. When I was 12 I was invited and decided to go too, so long as I didn't have to meet my Father. It was all arranged and I was ecstatic. I was a single child, who longed for siblings of my own. The fact that I actually had 2 that I didn't know, was never lost one me, not even as a young child. I can't tell you how much of my life was spent wondering about both of them and about my Father too. I was very nervous and anxious of course to meet them, but I was more thrilled that I was actually going to get the chance to meet my very own, flesh and blood siblings.

I don't remember all the details of the time we spent together that summer. What I remember the most was how I felt about it. I was relieved in a way, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally stop wondering and daydreaming about who they were, what they were like, what they looked like. I had a face and details to put with the names and titles. I felt overjoyed and vindicated. When our time together was over, I missed them, I felt like we didn't get enough time together. I wanted more. I wanted to see them again and I had no idea when that day would come, or if it would come. It had been the choices of adults that gave us the first chance. I wondered if they would give us the chance again. We were kids and it wasn't really up to us. 10 years would pass before I saw my Brother again. 15 years would pass before I saw my Sister again.

Sometime after that first meeting, my Sister and I became pen pals. This lasted for several years but we lost touch for a while after that. I still have very letter she ever sent to me. It meant a lot to me to be able to have that connection with her. To be able to get to know her and for her to get to know me.

When I was about 22, I took my Husband and Son, who was almost 2 yrs. old to spend a weekend with my Dad and Brother. My Dad had separated form his wife and she moved away. My Sister went with her and my Brother stayed with my Dad. So I didn't get to see my Sis that time. We had a lot of fun. It was nice to spend time with my Dad after we had the first meeting under our belts and had gotten to know each other over all of our phone conversations.

When I was 27, Our Grandparents had a family get together and both of my siblings would be there. My Sister had had a son by then, he was 1 at the time. I would be seeing her for the first time in 15 years and I'd be meeting my first born Nephew and she would be meeting my son for the first time too, he was 6about 7 at the time. He is her first born Nephew too. It was kind of a big deal. It was only for a day but it was a day I will cherish forever.

Over the next 8 years, we all moved around and didn't really stay in touch. My Sister's Husband was in the military so they moved all over several times. My Brother lived in a few different places trying to find the best fit for him. My Dad moved but we keep in good contact. I moved too! We were all just doing our own thing and I don't know, we just lost touch. I thought about them daily and got updates from my Dad.

When I was 31 I got pregnant with my now 4 year old Daughter. Since I was living in a new state, 800 miles away from where I was born and raised and lived for 29 years, I had lost touch with several family members. In the process of trying to find and reach out to them to tell them there would be a new addition to our family, I found my Sister. I called her and we talked at length. She told me I should get a myspace account so we could keep touch. She hates the phone but loves the computer, I hate the computer but love the phone lol. I figured it would be a great way though to keep in touch, share pics etc. At the time, my Daughter had been born and was 3 months old. My Sister and I hit it off better than we ever had. and began what would end up to be a really great relationship. A real Sister relationship with daily contact. I'd like to thank the social networks for making this possible. At 31 and 29 yrs of age, we were finally thick as thieves they way we should have been our whole lives.My Brother came to visit me the next year and stayed a few days. He got to meet his first born niece for the first time.

Today I am 35, Rebecca is almost 32 lol Lenny is 29. I hadn't seen my Sister or Nephew in 8 years. The 3 of them came to stay with us at my house over night, a month ago. It may have only been 24 hours but it was and always will be one of the best 24 hrs of my life. Rebecca got to meet My Daughter for the first time and the 2 cousins got to meet for the first time. All of us just feel into place as if we had been apart of each others lives our whole lives. My Daughter stole my Sisters heart instantly lol I'm pretty sure she already had my Brothers from the first time he met her. I feel in love with my Nephew and was quite impressed with him. I can't even describe to you how much this day meant to me. I am a caregiver by nature and I am the older Sister. I loved being able to have them in my home. I got to cook for my Sister for the first time in my life. I got to spoil my Nephew with snacks lol He told me I was the queen of snacks and that since he was an only child, he didn't get a lot of snacks. I had asked him if he was hungry and wanted anything before bed. He asked what I had and I gave him several choices. His exact quote was "So many choices and only one little me" <3 I will NEVER forget that convo with him.

We all live a lot closer to each other than we ever have at the moment and we are all in more stable points of our lives. We are only 3 hours away and I think we will be seeing more of each other in person in the near future. Either way, the 3 of us have managed to build a tight bond despite all that worked against us. I can't imagine going one day without knowing what they are up to. I can't imagine not being able to talk to my Sis every day. They really mean the world to me.

Now, I didn't JUST post this to give you the background and insight into my life, of who I am. My main purpose for posting is the moral of this story too. I always have an agenda. One of my many missions in life is to get people to think about their own lives, through mine. I am constantly striving to be better and live better and see other people do the same. If one person reads this and reaches out to their sibling or makes sure their children know their siblings and start relationships with them, it will touch my heart. My siblings and I had to figure it out on our own. We had to do all the work our selves really and most of it didn't come till we were all adults with kids and lives of our own. We missed out on the relationship we should have had as children, right from the start. All those years just passing by. We can't get any of that back. Once it's gone, it's gone forever. I am not one to dwell on what could have been, but I will always wonder what our relationship would be like, had we had the chance to be a part of each others lives from the start. We were children who didn't ask to be put in this situation and had no say in it at all until we got older. It was the responsibility of our parents and all the family and adults around us to make sure we were given what we were entitled to, what we deserved. No one seemed to do that for us. If they tried, they didn't try hard or long enough. Like Dr Phil always says, "You try until" I'm not sure if anyone in our lives put any great thought into how it might play out for the 3 of us. It's another instance in my life where I have paid the highest price for the actions of others. It's another instance where I feel cheated and robbed of what should have been rightfully mine. I can tell you with all certainty that whether I had live through this or not, if my kids had half siblings somewhere, it would be my mission to make sure they knew each other, and were a part of each others lives. I don't care how any of the adults feel in a situation like this, once you have a child, their basic needs must come before yours. I am pretty sure a relationship with your siblings is a basic need. I happen to know some of my readers actually have similar situations in their lives. I hope that everyone of them get my point and make the small choice to put their feelings aside and "try until" As parents, I think too often we forget that the majority of our actions have a direct impact on our children. The children always end up being the ones who pay the highest price for our actions...ALWAYS! Time doesn't stand still and there are certain things that you can never get back.

My Father!

My parents were never married. My Father was not in the picture when I was born. He was not in my life throughout my child hood. I never even spoke to him as a child. It never really bothered me, I never really felt like I was missing something, because I never had him in my life in the first place. You can't really miss what you never had. I won't go into the details, because they involve others. I will tell you that I blame both my parents. The main reason he wasn't a part of my life was because of their problems. They were young and could have made better choices, they should have made better choices. I have forgiven both of them. I don't hold it against them. Looking back, I know that it wasn't easy for my Mom to have to raise me on her own, and it wasn't easy for my Dad to not even know me, and not have any part in raising me. I can't lie though about the fact that I still to this day resent the fact that I am really the one who was hurt the most by this. I am the one who paid the highest price for their mistakes and choices. The children are always the one who do. They don't get any choices in the matter. They have to deal with the consequences of their parents actions. Every child, deserves to know both of their parents. I spent my whole childhood dealing with all the issues brought on by this. I have spent all of my adult years building a relationship with my Father. None of it was easy on me.

If you are reading this and you are in a situation similar, or if you know anyone who is, I plead with you to pay close attention and really try to understand and take into consideration what I have just said, and to the moral of my story. I also encourage you to share it with anyone who could benefit from it's lesson. That is the most important reason that I am blogging about this.

I know that every ones situation is different and there are some parents who should not be in their kids lives. For instance if the parent is an abuser of any kind etc. Still, I urge you to keep in mind that when a child doesn't know a parent, or about them, it is a heavy, heavy burden for them to carry.

I started talking to my Dad when I was 14. It didn't go well. I was very hostile to him. I was so angry at him for not being involved in my life. I felt like he didn't have a right to come into my life after 14 years of being completely absent. I didn't want to have anything to do with him. He kept calling me and enduring the verbal abuse that I dished out. Over and over I just kept bitching and crying to him about how he was never there. Never sent a card for my birthday. He was a Jehovah's witness, but to me that was just an excuse. He never sent a letter. He never called. He wasn't there when I lost my first tooth. He wasn't there to teach me how to ride a bike. I pretty much flat out refused to be nice to him in any way, from the time I was 14, until I was about 18.

He called, when I 18 and I will never forget the convo. I was giving him the same guilt trip I'd been giving him for 4 years. When I was done, he asked me one question, that changed everything. He asked; "How many times are you going to punish me for the same things?" I was speechless (which doesn't happen often) He then said; "I have apologized to you for all that you have been through over and over. I am truly sorry but I can't change the past. I can't take any of it back. All I can do is treat you better now. Be a part of your life now and in the future. Make up for all of it the best I can, but I can't unless you will let me" There was a long and awkward pause. In that moment, I had to admit that he was right. I came to the realization that I was treating him in a way that even I wouldn't want to be treated. He had a good point. I really thought hard about the fact that I had a serious choice to make here. I was either gonna keep this up and have a horrible relationship with him for the rest of my life, or I was gonna let it go and give our relationship a chance. I knew that I did want to get to know him and for him to get to know me. I was chastising him for not being apart of my life and yet here I was, refusing to let him in. I am not that kind of person and I was ashamed of acting like that. All I could say to him was that he was right and that I would give him the chance to be in my life.

From that day on things were very different. As soon as I started to learn who this man was, I started to realize that I was a lot like him. More so than I could have ever imagined. He may not have been in my life, but we were very much alike anyway. I guess it's in the genes lol I learned that we had a lot of common interests too, which gave us a lot to talk about and lead to some pretty great conversations that lasted for hours and still do to this day. Above all, I learned that I genuinely liked him. There was no denying any of it.

When I was 21, I met him for the first time. I already had a child of my own, he was 7 months old at the time. It was weird in a way to meet my own Father for the first time, after I had already become a parent. We have spent time together, in person on several occasions since, but I can still count on just both hands. Life and distance has prevented it. We keep in good contact though. We have been able to build a good solid relationship, despite all the issues. It didn't take long for me to go from hating him, to getting to know him, to liking him, to loving him. I'm grateful to have him in my life.

The moral of this story, is that If he hadn't made contact with me, I may have never had contact with him at all. If I hadn't let go of the past, if I hadn't given him a chance, we may have gone our whole lives without knowing each other. I spent 18 years without him in my life and 17 with him in it. I can tell you with all certainty that the 17 years with him, were a lot better than the 18 years without him, that would have become 35 years if the both of us had not decided to take a first step.

Just A Little More About Me And My Blog

I have been writing pretty much my whole life. In middle school we were asked to predict what our classmates would be in the future. The predictions were posted in our yearbook. Mine was "first to publish a book" I was proud of that because it was very fitting. I have always had a lot to say and always been one to speak my mind. I'm very proud of that too. I am a deep thinker and so, I have a lot on my mind. I think outside the box. I don't conform to what society thinks or what anyone thinks for that matter. I am very much my own person, who follows her own path in life. I'm pretty sure that is why I have chosen good paths and have a good life to show for it. Over the years I have become the go to girl for advice, for tips, for encouragement and for the honest truth. I am loved for this and I am hated for it too. Some people just can't handle the honest truth. They want me to tell them what they want to hear. I have never, nor will I ever, be that girl. One of the hardest things for me to do is to describe myself. I am truly a one of a kind person. I am alot of things and not easily summed up. I don't really fit into a category.  

From the day I decided I was going to start a blog, I knew that it would not be a one topic blog. I knew that I wanted it to really show the many sides of me. In my first post I let everyone know that I would cover many topics and I plan to do just that. So far I have given you recipes, coupon tips, relationship advice, parenting tips, kitchen and cleaning tips. I have shown you my frugal side, my funny side, my candid side etc. What I haven't really shown you is my heart, my personal side. I have started several blog posts, in this dept. they are the hardest for me to write. Not because I don't know what to say, it's more because I want to make sure it comes out the way I feel it. I'm not really sure what others will think about them, nor do I care. All I am concerned about is achieving my goal of showing you the many sides of me. I think it's important for me to show people who I really am. It's very important for me to talk about the things that most people won't. It's extremely important to me to be completely honest and open and show you all of me. I refuse to be censored in any way. I refuse to leave some parts of me out. I don't expect everyone to like what I post. In no way am I trying to force my views on anyone. What I would like is for all who read my blog to get a good understanding of who I am. If I can successfully do that, then I have achieved the goal that really mean the most to me.

So far, my blog has had more views than I thought it would. I have received a lot of  positive feedback. It seems that many of you enjoy what I have to say. I can't tell you how much that means to me. I appreciate every single person who actually reads this blog. I am grateful to everyone who shares it, talks about it and recommends it. Most of all, I live for the comments and the compliments. I look forward to sharing all the other sides of me